March 4, 2011
How can I ever be stable? My mind is in so many places at the same time. I tend to live on by instincts and that may not be what I always really want for my future. Just my impulses to do things are perhaps different from a normal person. I was just dinning with you and now I’m on a plane headed away from home.
As the airplane tends to rock. I imagine losing you, losing everyone I love. Not that long ago someone once told me I was selfish and I refused to believe it. I’ve always been a kind- hearted person that loves sharing my happiness, but t now I sort of see it. I think only for myself - following my dreams my wants in life which disconnect me as a daughter, sister, and aunt I’m missing out on so much all for the joy of sightseeing long distance “love” and my silly writing journals.Sometimes I don’t even like myself. I wish that I wasn’t so spontaneous so brave and careless because all those characteristics have led me to distance myself from the people I love the most.
But at the same time who would I be if I didn’t follow this eagerness inside me?
I envy your normal life at times. I wish I had that stability that charisma and yearning to be successful women for your kids but more than anything for yourself. I can tell how bad you want it. I’m so proud of you! You’ve always been such a go – getter. Your destined for great things I know it. We’ve come a long way from those crazy – goofy skinny Yakima girls. Look at us now leading two completely separate lives.
You have been my rock through all these years, thru the pain, the ugly, the struggles, the arguments and disagreements. When all we did was work and eat top ramen as bad as things got we never talked about going back home. I’m sure we both thought of it but we kept it to ourselves. We couldn’t let that discourage us. We couldn’t fall apart for that reason for any reason. Life isn’t easy I know that now. You unknowingly helped me heal from everything I pretend that didn’t happen to me, for all the confusion of why mom didn’t like me as much I understand all of it now. You helped me focus and sort of even gave me a strong back bone. Even now you encourage me to stay and go to college (I will go - you’ll see) but you are still here trying to understand me and as much as you don’t want to see me go you even take me to the airport.
A huge part of me feels like I’ve failed you. I know that you expect more from me because you know what I’m capable of and all you see me doing is just living day by day. I guess I got myself into this cycle of taking big breathes and living in this beautiful place. Where I get to see the crystal clear ocean every day. In my mind I feel this eternal state of belonging and just being content with what I have in life and really enjoying every day to the fullest because God knows what this life is really about. This life where people live day by day and it gives me this feeling of how grounded I am how I don’t want anything but to be calm, loved and grateful, but I can’t help feeling sad without you guys. My life is truly incomplete. I suppose we can’t have it all in life, But I can’t I can not settle. I have so much to show for I have so much in me. So many things I want to do. I want a career that will let me shine. To have something that I’ve worked so hard for that it makes me so damm proud of the person I am. Just simply thinking about not depending on anyone, satisfy me. Without struggles there is no progress. Nothing is handed out and once I get back from this short journey. It's on sister!
It’s just the begging of this year and I’ve already learned so much. No one is perfect and God* knows I’m not. I’ve made many mistakes. All we can do is recognize them, give them the attention they require and move on with a free – clean good spirit.
You truly are my other half!
Sincerly,
Erika
